Transitions

So, you’ve not heard from me in quite some time.  Sorry about that, I hope that maybe I can be more consistent with this thing.  Writing it should not be a chore, but a joy.  It’s been months and I can say that there’s a lot that has happened in that time.  I’m no longer in Baldwin, I’m back now in Holland and am about to finish my second to last semester of seminary.  I can tell you that the rest of my time in Baldwin was good and I miss the people there, much as I miss the people in Pella.  My drive home from Baldwin was beautiful.  I regret though that I did not get out of the car along US 2 and walk the beach for a bit.  It was the most beautiful part of the drive.  Yet, I did not do that and I find myself back here in Holland for what has been an interesting year thus far.

This year is not all that I hoped that it would be.  Actually, I think that in my mind I had been looking forward to a repeat of last.  Silly man that I am though, I should have remembered that no two years are the same while in school.  Each of them is different in their own ways. 

This year has not been easy.  It’s been a little rough on me in fact.  Many of my dearest friends graduated last spring.  Many of my friends left here at seminary have seen their life circumstances change in such a way that I see them less than I would like.  I have also realized that I care less and less for schoolwork.  The Academy is not my passion and it’s not where I would want to make my mark on this world, nor do I feel called to do so.

Those of you that know me best know that I deeply value a few close people.  Many of those people that I value and hold dear came into WTS at the same time as I.  I have taken a little longer to graduate than many of them however and they have moved on.  As a result, I feel the lack at not having them here with me.  It’s as if a bit of the joy that I found in their companionship is gone.  I grieve that loss.  At the same time, I know that they have moved on to new things and that God is taking them to new places, putting them where he has called them.  Thus in my better moments, I take joy in that.  I still have friends here, dear brothers and sisters that give me great joy.  I’ve even met new friends as well.  I can say that the junior class this year is an excellent group of people.  The ones with whom I’ve spoke at length seem to be quality people.  I lament the fact that I will not really get close to them before I graduate here.  

Yet, I am ready to leave this place.  Not because I hate it or harbor bitterness toward it, but because I think that it is time for me to move on.  At the beginning of this year, I asked the Lord what he had to teach me.  This semester has been a lot about patience and trust.  It’s also helped me to realize that I am ready to no longer be a student, at least not in the formal sense of the word.  Rather I’m ready to move on to the parish, to become the pastor of a church somewhere and walk with them as we seek to grow each day in our faith in the Triune God.

I am not meant to be a scholar.  Indeed, I’ve realized that the academic life has in some ways crushed my spirit.  Though I may be a bit bookish, I am not meant to sit all day in my study and read dusty tomes.  Though the pastoral life is one of study, I know that is not all there is to it.  I hope to walk with others and aid them as they grow deeper in understanding what it means to live a life of gratitude for what the Lord has done.  I want to see others grow deeper in their understanding of the faith and I hope that helps me to grow as well.  I want to teach and be taught.  I hope to enter into the sacred moments of ministry, to show others the love of God for broken ones such as ourselves.

The academic life was once a passion of mine.  Yet I have realized that I had not read anything that was truly meaningful to me from my course work for a couple years.  That was, until I read The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  To read what this martyr wrote kindled a fire in me; something that has not been done in far too long.  I realized that the experience of the last few years has been quite dry at times.  I’ve been doing things more for the sake of doing them and getting a grade than for personal growth and letting that shape who I am.  In the midst of worrying about grades, in many ways I’ve lost my first love.  The juniors were a bit of a reminder of that.  I appreciate and value the zeal that many of them have.  I hope that fire that I see in several of them continues to burn bright.

For you juniors that may read this, I have a few words for you.  By now you’ve entered what is potentially a busy and stressful time of the semester.  I encourage you to cling all the more to that which is life-giving, whatever it may be.  Don’t be overcome by desire for getting good marks, for in a couple years no one will care.  Do as well as you can and don’t let the professor’s approval become an idol.  Seek instead to learn and grow in wisdom rather than absorb information like a sponge absorbs water.  The former is the true purpose of education.  The latter is a mutant.  Remember, this growth comes outside of the classroom as well.  Remember to enjoy the people around you and learn from them.  People are far more important than books.  Get some exercise, go out on walks and clear your mind.  Above all else, remember to laugh.  Laugh with abandon.  Laugh so hard that your stomach hurts.  Laughter is great medicine for the soul.  I am convinced that it is a gift God.  I wish that my words could convey the fullness of what I mean here yet I am not the most eloquent of writers so I apologize for that.

This posting is quite a bit more serious and heavy, unusually so for a lighthearted soul such as myself.  My year has not been easy.  It’s had a lot of ups and downs.  It’s had great joy as well.  So if any of you worry for me (Mother), worry not.  For God is good and faithful.  He has blessed me beyond measure.  Not everything in life is as I want it, yet truly I am blessed.  I just need to remember that.